JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
DISCOURAGED
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball
game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the
first base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We are behind 14 to
nothing," he answered with a smile. "Really", I said. "I have to say
that you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the little boy asked
with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to
bat yet".
ROLES AND HOW WE PLAY THEM
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think about little Jamie
Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set
his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day parts were
awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to his mother, eyes
shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom", he shouted, and then said
those word that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and
cheer".
A LESSON IN HEART
A lesson in "heart" is in my little, 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, who was born
with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time. She came home one
beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in "field day" - that's where
they have lots of races and other competitive events. Because of her leg support, my mind
raced as I tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about
not letting it get her down - but before I could get a word out, she said, "Daddy, I
won two of the races!" I couldn't believe it! And than Sarah said, "I had an
advantage." Ah, I knew it. I thought she must have been given a head start….some
kind of physical advantage. But again, before I could say anything, she said, "Daddy,
I didn't get a head start… My advantage was I had to try harder!"
BARNEY
A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears
with an octoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The
little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her
throat. He asked,"Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down here?" Again,
the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened
to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh,
no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my
underpants!"
One day during WW2 Hitler and Goering are driving incognito through the German
countryside. Suddenly a pig crosses the road in front of the car, and is killed in the
collision. Hitler: ' Go to the farmer , and tell him that we killed his pig. But don't
tell him that I am here.' Goering: ' Jahwol, mein Furher!', and he goes. An hour goes bye,
and still Goering isn't back. Two hours, Threehours, and still no sign of Goering.
Finally, after four hours, a drunken Goering returns to the car, his arms filled with
bread, sausages and bottles of wine. Hitler: ' But I told you not to tell him that I was
here!' Goering: ' I did not, mein Furher. All I said was " Heil Hitler, the pig, he
is dead!", and he gave me all these.'
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading
his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of
the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other
side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull
the wool over our ice!"
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in January 1998.
**** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 30-1-98****
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S
ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the
man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana
protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.
Two pigeons were getting ready to fly south for the winter when baby pigeon said, "I
can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a
piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to
cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother. "I don't want to be pigeon
towed!"
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with
the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the
time.
"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's
not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand
forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the
supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can
of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it
with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving
it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of
marriage.
You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the
first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She
tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they
would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral
attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that
feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was
licking his ass."
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree
on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters
in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had
to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the
Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational
area."
POSSIBLE BILL CLINTON POST-IMPEACHMENT PLANS;
Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half-brothers and sisters.
A tour of the nations prisons to improve conditions: visit friends.
Write book: "THE AMERICAN PRESIDENCY; AN ORAL HISTORY.
Buy a Hooters franchise.
Buy a Burger King franchise.
Trash the White House before Gore moves in.
Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouses".
Stop pretending to like Roger. Hatch a diabolical plot to break up Babs and James
Brolin.
Run for President in 2000 under name Bob Clinton.
Continue his work counseling interns. Inhaling
Work through resentment by holding impeachment hearings for Socks, the cat.
Stop using fake names in all those personal ads.
A crateful of Quarter-Pounders, a keg of Bud, the waitstaff from Hooters, and the greatest
last ride ever on Air Force One. Writing his autobiography: "The American People Can
Kiss My Fat, Pasty Butt".
One last drive-thru before sentencing begins.
Give up the jogging farce, balloon up to natural weight of 390 lbs.
For fee, appear at parties as Bill Clinton look-alike.
Take little Buddy out three times a day-also walk the dog.
Appear on Jeopardy during "Disgraced Presidents' Week".
While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten lot of small
investors like me. I
went to my financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked, "Really ??? Even with
all the fluctuations ?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of
hours "
What do you think of it all? I, for one, think it is all the mess in
Washington that is causing this yuky roller coaster ride on Wall Street;
If the President has an operation it is cause so why not this. Wish
it would get over soon!
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas
station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband butinstead of giving him head, go and
pee.
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey
excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing
in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase.
"Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this
startles her so that she drops the vase with a <gasp!> -- ashes and broken vase
scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no...
I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says.
"The vase was just from Wal- Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to
say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says,
"looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the
kitchen from now on!"
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls
off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair
on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He
says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the
bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next
day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl
strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I
see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs.
Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty
embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you
were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost
the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain
misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid
up for six months!"
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged
in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out
there!"
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of
artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"
"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm
gonna try for next!"
Error Messages
Here's a renewed batch of computer (windoze?) error messages.
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Hit any key to continue ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Bad! Bad Command! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: Printer Port not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future
creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The
police are on the way.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have
two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they
say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two
parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Joe. My parrots
can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop
saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded,
"this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female
parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned
silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use.
One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a
middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The
third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I'll
take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor
asked the patient why he had chosen that heart. "It was easy," the patient
replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar
closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. Not wanting to wake anyone, he takes
off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he
had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass
carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A
few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in
the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning,
his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers
trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you
really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked
late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple
of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the
heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts the club away,and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take
the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is
befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best
game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching
the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name
is not William Jefferson Clinton."
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor
Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner
(which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may however, let
others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these
keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min50%heat//
Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will recognize the MS
TV Dinner, configure itself, and cook the dinner automatically.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on
the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press
start. The oven will calculate the time and heat, and cook the diner precisely.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.
This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
<ms.nodamn.good/try_again\again/again.crap.crap.crap. This process may have to be
repeated.Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner
itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future
menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is
currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain
that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken
dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be
stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to
be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your
freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have
been defrosted anyway.
A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign. "May I see
your driver's license and registration please?" "What's the problem,
officer?" "Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last
intersection." "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and
proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke,
sir". "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are
supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license
and…" "You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter, all
the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see
your license and registration immediately!" "I will, if you can tell me the
difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." " Sir, I can do
better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and
proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick." "Now sir,
would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An
American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were
asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men
only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, Thank you for your
interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being
Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question
you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down
'Neither do I.'"
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of
control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about
you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her
hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She
said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
The Cow Dealer
A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car
dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced
his unit as follows:
Basic cow 499.95
Shipping and handling 35.75
Extra stomach 79.25
Two tone exterior 142.10
Produce storage compartment 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system 149.20
Automatic fly swatter 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90
Deluxe dual horns 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: 2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36